Hoping for a change

Greetings! I am writing a blog after 4 years, wish I could say I was on a hiatus but can't since I am not a professional blogger. So what I have been up to? I successfully got into private medical college back in the year 2022 without any drops, and I am currently in my final year of MBBS. Amazing right? Unfortunately NO

Now many people can criticize me for being uncontended with what I have, you can say its a classical case of diminished value of of a long cherished object once in possession. I use to think that way too but I think there is a need for us to realize the harsh reality of the world that no one tells us when we are young and are about make a important decision of our lives like choosing a career. Its not a big deal right? everyone does it just like others. Like if you are good in biology you have to become a doctor, if you are good at math you are to become an engineer, if you are interested in none but money then take commerce become a CA or take arts and work for an easy life after cracking a government job or become a judge or a lawyer. You just have to study and give an exam apparently. But sadly NO, only after coming to a college and facing the world outside school did I realize the real world and my dream life is nothing like my fairytale imagination.

Just like everyone I used to think I would fit perfectly in a doctor's character since childhood. I wanted a peaceful life where I can quietly sit in my cabin attend to patients do my job and leave skipping the toxic and corrupt corporate work life plus it is considered a respectable job and they are placed on pedestal equivalent of god. As the belief goes doctors are rich and I would have enough money to be independent escaping permissions for everything and could do anything as I wish. I always thought getting my dream job was as simple as studying and clearing an exam then finding my perfect man with impossible high standards and a happy ever after. As I had an natural inclination towards science and biology and was not so much interested in math so eventually I chose biology in 11th grade and the Covid came. Man! those 2 years were like a rollercoaster ride. I was in depression since I  used to be an allrounder at school it was really difficult to navigate my way through the online education system it was my first time being disappointed with myself even though I back then I didn't understand that it was not just me. At first I didn't know whom to tell that even though I am trying its so hard to understand and focus? Then the illegal amount of screen time of both school and coaching it was too much to take in when it hardly left anytime for self study or basic daily activities, also I was so guilt stricken as we paid a hefty amount for it. Then finally at last I gave up on both I started doing what maximum students were at that time attending classes for formality and enjoying my time as some sort of holidays I used to sing, dance, paint would occasionally write blogs watch tv, K-dramas or movies, learnt to cook, if I didn't felt like doing anything then just slept. Now that I think about it I prayed everyday for that time to end since it killed my last beautiful 2 years of my school but now I think they were the most memorable days of my life I don't wish for that time to come back but if I had any idea what life had in store for me I would have enjoyed my time more freely without any guilt. I do miss school these days completing those assignments yet finding fun in the process and co-curriculars; giving exams without preparation by copying from Google. Atleast we were lucky enough to recieve a farewell.

So life moves on so did mine lock down lifted it kicked some sense into me so I did study hard for the last 2 months and secured 90% in my offline board exams, the funny part was my marks were exactly the same as of my 11th class which I gave online. So the next part was appearing for NEET 2022 which was easy because I had no hopes I didn't study for it I had made up my mind I would take a drop. The result came my marks weren't enough for a govt college but since I am an only child of my parents  decided to send me to a private college since the cutoff was low that year and there was no point of wasting time so uselessly. Getting into college was another apparent happy ending as it was nothing like the college life I thought it would be.....

It was a cut throat environment right from the admissions. Like parents were literally fighting for admissions in the stray round and the management was taking full advantage of it that's when I realized that nobody shows you consideration when you are vulnerable that's when everybody is ready to exploit your weaknesses and only your status, money and resourcefulness is of importance. I was lucky enough to get in but everyday felt like a trauma the course started a 2 months ago so not only was there pressure to buck up but also the pressure to get used to the daily routine which was hectic specially being a day scholar and tolerating that torturous 8 hrs. For some reason the people were very weird as well as like everybody already had their own friend circles by that time and they won't welcome new people and would save seat for their friends would go to washroom together as well it was as if I was invisible in that massive crowd it was hard to adjust there were so many times I trusted the wrong people and my company changed so many times, its when you start trusting people a little only then they show their true colors, now I am tired so when someone lets me down it just feels like; ah as expected! I just have no expectations now whatsover. Also I came from a very humble background yet the people here were insanely rich there lifestyle was so different than mine that it was so hard to relate. Also the rules were so strict and rigid including the dress code the compulsory formal attire of only suit and braided hair, clean shave and military haircut for boys and teachers were so toxic and sadistic far worse than our school teachers it looked so insane facing this as 20 year old adults. We were ragged by our seniors if we missed to wish them even once and they used to call it icebreaking and justify it by calling it socializing even our teachers did the same and because some people filed a complaint they refused to give us freshers. On every small occasions they used to threaten us with attendance. I was even once thrown out of the class for doing absolutely nothing my only crime was that I was quietly studying another subject to skip a boring class. Apparently as I got used to it a bit and started enjoying solitude, I started to focus more on myself and studies. I made a flexible time table but had fixed study hours made notes though I grasped more quickly than I had expected I was able to score decent marks and then it was as if suddenly I had become visible to people that different people would come talk to me for their own selfish reasons and then there was another problem they had with me that why I don't help them cheat in exams that it was my unsaid responsibility as a batchmate even though it was uncomfortable for me so I refused to bend down.  Then came the issue of mass bunk that I didn't agree to as believed it was supposed to provide a zero day so it was neither absent nor present but apparently our college decided to mark all of us absent so that they could call us out at the end of term and demand money to fulfill the attendance criteria and my obvious reluctance to mass bunk was disliked by many maybe because my only fault was I had never been good at faking proxy and not having enough money and caring too much about attendance that I seemed too selfish and aloof to others because I don't know how to work under a fake pretense. Also who bans library even during class hours in college? I mean its my attendance I get to decide what I do with it! One very important lesson that I learned was "Some people don't try to make their own light brighter; they try to dim someone else's". Then came the exams there was something about it when teachers used to be vicious than ever, they never missed the opportunity of ragging students during viva and grading scores they would say harsh and mean words as we are some sort of dumpsters they used to relieve frustrations and we couldn't say anything because our grades were in their hands they would fail people in final exams by 1 mark if someone dared to speak back. Fortunately I never had any problems academically I had decent grades but I had to sacrifice my peace of mind, sleep and personal life, behind the scenes was a lot of hard work that most people don't want to acknowledge. My dream of a beautiful campus remained a dream only there is no sort of college life as even though there are activities to participate in I kind of despise that place. Despite being a private college we only provided bare minimum resources yet no chance to take money from us wasted including confiscating phones and writing apology letters for the same. I also realized that boys are not even able to fit the bare minimum criteria well its not fair bashing boys when girls are the same as well. People these days just operate on lust and no real moral ground its a pity our generation has come to a time like this. It's true that people don't even show any respect for the dead it's really an agony how we urge people to donate deceased bodys as cadavers yet I dont think I myself will ever have the courage to do that after seeing what I have.

I know its not just me all my friends are working hard in their respective fields to achieve success its tough for everyone. But I don't now what success is  anymore! If not this then what could I have done? I guess I could have been a researcher or dietician or even tried for UPSC as my parents wanted. Even though my parents didn't force me and this was completely my idea I think there is a need for parents to realize this as well how tough this degree is and there's no point in forcing their children to follow a path aimlessly and pursue something they don't feel happy doing, also these decisions should be made with patience and thorough thinking. But then again why I am writing all this now? I am tired both mentally and physically following the same routine for 4 years and I just wondered why am even doing this? I mean I paid money for this kind of life? I am becoming a doctor but at what cost? I think many of us are having this subclinical depression, even after after I get out this shithole its only worse in postgraduate specially in government colleges where you are considered just a slave yet are treated worse than a slave and have to tolerate that humiliation and atrocities from your superiors because there's no other option even the pay doesn't do us any justice either when they practically live in the hospital 24/7 without even getting government holidays. You become a doctor sacrificing your precious youth and personal life only to be rich in your 40s when you are left with poor mental and physical health, lifestyle disorders and responsibility of your family. Then what about the life I wanted to have for myself? Still I haven't seen respect in peoples eyes, they question isn't the ₹500 fees a lot when the doctor didn't even touched the patient? But nobody sees those long years of hard work behind that 2 min diagnosis. Doctors are not considered humans, they are held at impossibly high standards, if a doctor does a small mistake the crowd is always ready to assault the doctor and file cases for compensation for hefty amounts. I am not saying there are no bad doctors but these things happen more to innocent doctors these days and does the government give us any rights or aid to protect our self esteem? NO

I really don't know why people are so crazy about pursuing medicine if I was to choose again I would choose my mental peace and health over anything else. I know almost all careers requires hard work but this is pure torture and  an unfair system where I have nothing to protect myself with, I can either become toxic like them or suffer in silence but why is this harsh reality not told to students whose whole life depend on it. The worst part is its all a trap you cant come out of it as you wish once enrolled in the course you have to provide a huge amount of money to leave the course meaning you are left with no option but to complete the course. In the end we are left with only 4 options: 

>UPSC or CMS

>If you are rich start a complete new business or get into hospital mangement or research and lierature, health informatics, legal medical advisers, sports medicine (but still isn't that wasting 4 precious years of life for nothing when that seat could have gone to someone who actually wanted it)

>USMLE

>Continuing with PG

The reason I was so disappointed with the Jantar Mantar 2026 NEET leak protest was it was a golden opportunity to demand amends in the education system and rights of students across various fields. You think just increasing the number of seats is enough? What about safeguarding student's future and the future of Indian healthcare and education system? Did demanding a resignation solved any problem? Its the same as removing one monkey to replace with another and what was the point of asking for PM's resignation and questioning the whole integrity existence of the government when the execution could have aimed at demanding and proposing reforms within a deadline with mutual support and discussion with the government headed by a genuine student body. The protest was hijacked by antigovernmental agenda and nobody talked about the real agenda everything was happening there except the protest. GenZ's were projected as some idle clowns of a circus who have nothing better do but what about the genuine people who are serious about their future and need support?

Why do we have to compromise our creativity and skills just because a field is less secure or "The road less travelled". When you eventually  to believe your hobbies and interests have started to become distractions and something you have to give up to increase your focus because "you have to give up something to achieve something". I believe its when we have to stop for a moment and think is this really what education is meant to be even when we are expected to be innovative and what not along with our qualifications but why are we not culturing these qualities as part of assessment. Is it enough with just a PEN AND PAPER? Over more than half of the students are unaware of the happenings of our home, city, state, country and world, I believe this is real misery. We are learning trigonometry, calculus, reciting newton's laws because we consider it as the most truest learning but we consider humanity as something trivial. We still don't know what we have to do with our lives or how to live our lives. What to do when things get tough or tackle problems or when things don't go our way. We are studying to be successful and rich but we are forgetting something very important in the process The purpose of humanity. Was it not to live together in harmony and create a better world, to achieve wonders on moral grounds and humanitarian beliefs. Why moral values are lost in this process of education? why are we still so naïve and so deficient of practical and application based knowledge of real world or at least the basic emergency skills. How many of us know financial literacy? I strongly believe apart from just bookish knowledge and grades it just keeps increasing pressure on our brains. We are living trapped and suffocating lives without any freedom of expression, why are people unaware about so many amazing careers but are still prejudiced. A true assessment should reflect an individuals skills potential, believes, moral or human values, creativity, practical knowledge, leadership qualities and more such life skills otherwise its just as useless. We need to change our mindsets and beliefs so that we can see a bigger vision we have to prepare responsible and sensible human beings not trained and selfish animals living for just their own survival. I don't know why I worked so hard on myself all this time yet my social skills are zero, feel I still know nothing that it wasn't worth it. I don't wish to fail in life's exam that's all. I want to live a peaceful and happy life with my mother without worrying about anything and enjoy everyday small pleasures. We have to let go of our greed to see a greater meaning in life rather than an endless cut throat race. Why are we fine with this?

The 4th year itch is real! I am not really worried about passing exams or getting degree but what comes after that, the knowledge required for clearing NEET more importantly the skills required for making an accurate diagnosis in everyday life which I feel is more tough to achieve because it needs experience, practice and revision.

So what am I planning next? I don't know I guess will only know with time but I wish whatever happens, happens for good as god always has a better plan maybe I will have a thick skin after I get out of college. I need to show perseverance since I came this far "The only way forward is forward motion". Recently I started developing an  interest in  astrology it sometimes give a meaning to my hardships and seems relatable at least keeps me hopeful, longing for good times but doesn't mean I can skip the hard work on my part I need to work if I want my life to work as well. They say life's even more harder when you start earning and deal with office politics while juggling family responsibilities. Does life get easier or harder as it goes? Or one just gets the hang of it eventually? I guess will know with time only.

I will try to give more frequent updates on this journey of mine. Till then I will try to not let that scrutiny break me and slow down the creative forces that drive me and kill the very interest that led me here. I hope the pressure that couldn't break break turn me into a diamond instead and what doesn't kill me does make me stronger. I hope instead of over accommodating, overcorrecting myself and chasing perfection leading to stress and overthinking I can be satisfied with just trying my best at whatever I do.

Thank you for reading and investing your precious time.

Until the next voyage, and with that, I sail on.....